So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
