I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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