i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
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How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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