I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
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I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
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Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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