Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
