Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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