We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
