you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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