Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
