its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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