His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
