dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
