We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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