get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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