mondays should just be called national damage control day
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
