Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
