I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
