okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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