3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
