My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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