I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
