Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
