sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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