apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Randomize
