My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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