is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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