Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
