i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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