I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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