I think I died a long time ago.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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