I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
