Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
