I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
