I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
