i think my mom watched the whole time
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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