JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
