Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
