It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
