Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Of course I have a pirate flag
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
