Apparently you make a good broom.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
