I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
