mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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