P.S. I can't hear my feet
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
