I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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