so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
