My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
