the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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