I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
