make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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