So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
