I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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