ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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