It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
