Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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