I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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