He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
