R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
