you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
