just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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